The Magic Formula

Almost three years ago, I set off on a quest to lose weight. It's not that I had never tried before, but this time something was different. I had this do or die attitude, this sense that there was no "good" time to start and that I just needed to start to actually start (if that makes any sense), the question how could eating better and getting more exercise actually hurt me, and a hope (in the far recesses of my mind) that I would possibly even lose a bit of weight.

The first two months I concentrated on exercise. Started walking, then did a bit of running (I am seriously talking 2 minute spurts, people, nothing fancy or difficult), and as I ran (which I do NOT like to do), I realized that I actually liked running a bit (the getting-somewhere-faster aspect, not the can't-breathe-gonna-die-of-a-heart-attack aspect). It really surprised me that I was getting into it. Nevertheless, I only lost about 10 pounds those first two or three months. (It didn't feel like such a big deal when I felt I had so much more to lose.)

I talked to a friend who said she had joined Weight Watchers, checked online and realized that they had an online program. Decided to sign up for the three months and see what would actually happen.

I loved the old points system. it worked much better for me here in Ecuador - the new system needs too much info - stuff that usually isn't written out on the packaging - and is also much harder to figure out by "eyeballing".

Wow. I couldn't believe it. It was so easy and so fun and I saw results almost immediately. I was dropping 2-3 pounds a week, feeling healthier (and this made me feel better at running - jogging - which I did more and more)... it was like a switch went off in my body somewhere and suddenly the pounds were dropping.

That year, I lost about 50 pounds.

Now I look back and think how ridiculous it was - some weeks I actually felt like I couldn't NOT lose weight, I felt like I was looking a little sickly and gross, and I missed my curves a little. I know, silly, but seriously it was coming off pretty easily and something like that had never ever happened to me, so maybe you can see a little where I was coming from. I entertained thoughts that maybe I was secretly ill and that is why I was actually losing weight!

Flash forward three years. Yep, I've gained most of it back. And nope, the Magic Formula is no longer working. Because of my silliness (which I explained in the previous paragraph), I decided to just take it easy for awhile, and sort of went into maintenance mode. (Even though I still wanted to eventually lose 20 more pounds.)  Big mistake. Famous last words. What a huge regret... I did keep the weight off for two years (well, I gained about 5-8 pounds back, but it wasn't very noticeable), and then one thing led to another and it started to slowly creep up. Five pounds became ten pounds which became fifteen, then twenty... well, you get the picture. At ten pounds I tried to stop it - went back to Weight Watchers but - GASP - they had changed their system to the "new" Points Plus and while I tried it for a couple of weeks, I didn't lose a single pound, and even seemed to be gaining.

I hate you PointsPlus.

Since then I have tried to go back to WW (about two months ago I canceled my subscription because honestly I cannot make the Points Plus system work), tried exercising more (gained 2 lbs), tried exercising less and watching what I eat (lost a pound in like one month - not good), tried doing nothing (staying the same pretty much), tried Sparkpeople (it's free so why isn't it working? I think the calculation parts - like the PointsPlus system - is just a tad too complicated for me to maintain my motivation), Andres got me a treadmill (love it but find that it is SO hard because I have to maintain a constant speed and there is really no excuse-making when you've got a treadmill at home), and a slur of other things.

Basically I have every excuse in the book - my knees and shins and heels hurt (they do), it's too rainy outside (it is), I've already showered (I have), it's too unsafe outside (it is), the treadmill is hard and I don't go very fast because I can't and therefore I don't see results (all of the above), my dad was here for three months and we went out to eat more (he was - but over a year ago), I have trips to the US planned (a sure way to gain a quick and easy ten pounds - just stepping off the plane)...

The beginning of the end - this December. After this trip I have steadily been gaining...

What is wrong with me? Why isn't this working anymore? Where is my drive, my feeling of love for running, my feeling of loving to eat right and add veggies to everything? (I have been avoiding veggies like the plague - they make me nauseous for some reason).

I am really frustrated...with myself. It's almost worse at this point, because I KNOW I can do this (I mean, I did do it!) and yet nothing is happening. It was easier before to think nope, my body will never do this.

The worse thing is, while I know I haven't been eating so well, I never felt like I was eating so terribly, either. It was almost as if, once my body started gaining weight, it couldn't help itself again, and without any effort at all, I found myself almost at my starting weight.

Taken about two or three months ago - yikes!!!!!

Pretty funny, thinking I threw away my "fat" clothes (I mean, I'd kept the weight off for 2 years!). Now I have no motivation, no drive, no desire, and no clothes. And bum knees and shins and heels and feet I can barely stand on. I know my leg issues should improve if I can get the weight down again, but how can I when I feel like exercise is a huge part of the "Formula" for me?

I think it will just be fruit and water for me the next month. I am willing to go on a starvation diet I think (yeah, right! lol).


This is my last desperate cry!!!!!